Chapter 43: Helping a Loved One with Endo (Part 4)

Previously I've blogged about how to help your loved ones with endo when their love languages are receiving gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service. Today's post will be focusing on quality time. While this isn't my love language, it was my ex partner's, and he had a chronic illness too, so I'm basing this off of my experiences with him. Obviously all people are different and the best way to help someone you love is to ask what they need from you.

People whose love language is quality time thrive when their loved ones actively want to spend time with them. They especially appreciate when active listening, eye contact and full presence are used during their hang outs (this means no cell phones!). This love language is all about giving your loved one your full and undivided attention, without them having to be the one always asking for time to hang out. You asking for the time together will go a long way with people whose love language is quality time.

With that being said, sometimes people who are chronically ill are having a flare up and that prevents them from fully enjoying the time you have plannned together. For example, my ex has Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Coilitis. He really enjoyed cooking together and spending time exploring new restaurants. But that also activated the symtoms of his conditions, too, which made things tricky. The thing that I found helped the most was to go ahead and enjoy these activities together, but give him space afterward to deal with whatever symptoms flared from our adventures. As his chronic illnesses were digestive in nature, a lot of the ways I could help were to hang out in the living room with his dog while he used the bathroom and took his meds. Then I could be ready to hang out again after he was feeling better. I also had to know when to leave when things were not going to get better for awhile.

As I've mentioned a million times before, all people are different and they handle their chronic illnesses differently. Some may want you to stay and hang out with them to distract from their pain. Others (like me), would much prefer to suffer alone so that they don't feel like a burden or like they need to entertain you if you're visiting them at home. After my partner and I broke up, I started seeing a second person with UC. He was completely different in how he wanted to handle it, so I had to take his lead on things. For example, if he had an attack in the middle of the night, he did everything possible to hide it from me (lots of fans and pillows... let me tell you, it's very jarring having someone put a pillow over your head when you're sleeping). He never wanted to talk about it or address it. He just wanted to only hang out when he felt "normal," which is totally fair and valid. Like I said, it depends on the person.

Your best bet is to always take your cues from your loved one. Some people are an open book (like me). If you ask, I will tell you everything you ever wanted to know about my endo struggles. However, not everyone is like that so you need to use non-verbal cues to figure out what they need from you. If you aren't getting the information you need, ask.

Hope this helps! Next up is physical touch and then we are done with my first series on this blog! So exciting!