Chapter 7: In Repair

In my last post I discussed the physical aspects of recovering from endometriosis excision surgery. Today I'm focusing more on the emotional aspect of surgery, which is something I definitely didn't think about prior to surgery. My main concerns pre-op were not dying and finding a diagnosis. Now that that's been covered, I can focus on the more emotional aspects of what I've been through.

The first thing I felt upon waking up was relief. Relief that I woke up without hives and with a diagnosis. Relief that after 17 years of bad periods and other endometriosis symptoms, a doctor finally took me seriously, did the surgery necessary to diagnose me and found what he was looking for and removed it. Relief that I wasn't crazy and imagining all of these symptoms. I felt so validated to know that I was right all along.

The second thing I felt was gratitude. The nursing staff was SO nice at St. Joe's and really did everything they could to assuage my fears and make me feel comfortable, both physically and emotionally.

The third thing I felt was anger. I asked SEVERAL OB/GYNs and PAs at the practice I go to whether I could possibly have endometriosis. They always laughed at me, told me to not internet diagnose myself, and said that some women have bad periods. No one took my pain seriously. These are doctors who sole focus is women's gynecological health. How did not a single one think that there was a possibility something was very wrong with me? I had all of the classic symptoms of endometriosis.

Well, it turns out there is an extreme bias among the medical profession at large about women's pain versus men's pain. According to several studies, men's pain is more often believed while women's physical pain is often dismissed as caused by mental illness or stress. My period symptoms were always dismissed as stress induced, which definitely could be a contributing factor. Within 8 years, my mom got sick and died, I graduated from undergrad, applied to and graduated from law school, failed two bar exams and passed the third and worked for Hillary Clinton's 2016 Presidential campaign. These were stressful things. However, even during "down time," my periods were awful. How was endometriosis not even considered as a possible cause?

I can't help but wonder how much needless suffering I've dealt with the last 17 years. What would have happened if my first gynecologist had taken me seriously when I was 18 and said that my periods had been bad for 5 years at that point? Some theories state that women with endometriosis are born with it. It lies dormant until their first periods and then wrecks havoc on their bodies (and often their mental health, too). If that's the case, I've had it for 30 years and have been actively suffering from it for 17. And not a single doctor whose speciality was women's reproductive health decided a closer listen and a look at my symptoms was in order. It's shameful.

The fourth thing I've been dealing with is sadness. This could grow back. There's not that much I can do about it. That does bring a certain amount of fear and hopelessness to this situation.

Tomorrow is my 2 week follow up with my surgeon. I hope he'll have more to say then to help with my fears.