Chapter 4: Rational and Very Irrational Concerns

Tomorrow is the big day! I've been searching for answers for so long that while part of me is excited for answers, the rest of me is completely terrified. I'm also hungry. As of midnight, I basically can only eat jello. It's only been about 9 hours into this 30 hour fast so that's probably not a good sign. Work is going to be a blast today.

Here's a list of my fears, because I know medical anxiety is not uncommon. If you're freaking out, you are not alone. Talk to your primary care physician. They can help. Big thanks to mine for the Xanax.

1. My biggest fear is death, obviously. I've mentioned before that I have a lot of allergies and a chronic hive condition. I'm convinced that I will learn about a new drug allergy the hard way tomorrow. And while rare, there is malignant hyperthermia to worry about too since I've never been under general anesthesia before. It tends to run in families and as far as I know no one has it. However, my mom's dad is kind of a mystery (we never met him), so who really knows?

2. My second biggest fear is going through this and not getting any answers. This might sound weird, but I want him to find endometriosis. Most women go to 3 doctors and search for answers for 6-10 years before getting a diagnosis of endometriosis. My primary care doctor said I'm her 3rd patient that she's cleared for a diagnostic laparoscopy with my surgeon and the first 2 did not have endometriosis. If that's the case, I have no idea what I'll do to get answers for my symptoms. I'll also be incredibly unhappy if I go through all of this anxiety, time off of work and what I'm sure will be pain for nothing. My surgeon is the only specialist in my area. Where do I go next? That leads to my next concern...

3. What if it was all in my head? That's a common phrase used to dismiss women with endometriosis and their pain. It's been said to me before by a doctor and a PA. What if they were right? What does that say about me and how I handle pain, stress and anxiety?

4. Pain during recovery scares me too. So does post op bleeding. I am not a patient person. I will want my "normal" life to resume as soon as possible. I know that's not practical but I'm a little scared that I might go crazy taking it easy for 2 weeks.

Anyway, those are the things I'm panicking about today. I'm off to the gym and work (and to enjoy driving and exercise while I can).