Chapter 19: Infertility

I want to start this blog post by recognizing my privilege. This is an incredibly difficult topic for a lot of women. I have a great doctor and I'm fairly financially stable (as much as a millennial can be). I'm white, well-educated, and middle class. This unfortunately provides a privilege that others don't have. Most importantly, as far as this post goes, I've never wanted children. I've never seen myself as maternal, and I'm not comfortable around kids. I didn't even really like kids when I was one. That's why I was so shocked about my reaction after my post op appointment.

Dr. Ghomi said that while he "thinks" that my fertility was unaffected by the endo he found and removed, he believes that if I don't have kids within the next 2 years, doesn't think that it will be likely that I'll have a successful pregnancy. Again, I don't want kids so this has no impact on my life moving forward. However, it bummed me out for a few days and I think I've finally processed why.

Infertility is a common symptom of endometriosis. Doctors aren't entirely sure why, but studies show that the inflammation caused by endo can have a paralyzing effect on sperm. Endo also distorts a woman's pelvic anatomy. Scarring and adhesions can cause the fallopian tubes and ovaries to be blocked.

At its core, endometriosis is a disease that is an overzealous production of endometrial like tissue in other parts of your body. My lady garden doesn't work properly. It's broken. I love being a woman- it's core to my identity, how I view the world and my perspective on most aspects of my life. I love the strong bond of female friendships and my sisterhood of strong women fighting for equality. Working for Hillary Clinton's glass ceiling shattering campaign made me swell with pride and embrace my feminism and my feminine side. Working for her made me feel like I was unleashing my inner badass lady lawyer. I wouldn't trade being a woman for anything (even with the gender pay gap).

But what does it say about me if my essential womanhood is broken? I know that women have many purposes in life other than being mothers. Some women love being mothers. Others don't have an interest. Both are perfectly valid choices. But being told as a very single 30 year old that I have 2 years to change my mind was a little scary. I won't change my mind about having kids, I'm certain of this. But is there something wrong with me as a woman? Is my value somehow less than that of my friends with kids?

Logically, I know the answer is no. I'm strong, smart and brave. My value doesn't lie in my uterus. However, I've consumed enough traditional media over my lifetime that occasionally I question it.

Would I feel differently if I just didn't have kids and endo wasn't a factor? Probably yes. This disease has taken so much from me already. I hate that it removed my ability to make this choice, even if it was the same one I was going to make already.

One last thing, there are women who have endo who desperately want children. Be kind and understanding to them. If they're trying IVF, they're probably full of anxiety and hormones. Be kind and patient.

Most importantly, stop asking women when they're having children. It's none of your business and many infertility patients suffer in silence.